redemption

the expression of voice:
the voice that's only heard
in the silence;
the gentle sound 
of your own soul, calling,
asking to be received
at least by you
with a loving embrace;
the song of your heart
waiting
wanting to be heard;
the one which dares to ask
what if you no longer had to be
afraid of being afraid;
the one which can surrender
to every loving vibration,
can welcome it in
can say a wholehearted
yes
to being
alive.

The Vessel

The old woman sits,
her milky eyes see nought now
but shapes bent out 
by the flames of the fire beside her.

Her bones still strong,
her skin the give away,
made as it is of the sheerest silk
crumpled and dyed in hues of purple and blue.

She can no longer hear the stories
which now fill her belly, her heart:
her mind, though bright, has absorbed
all the cries for attention it can absorb.

So she sits and others gather
While she pours forth her timelessness,
speaking of the love she learned
in a lifetime of heartache and joy.

A strong voice radiates her light, her dark,
valueless and priceless in equal measure.
She is who she is with no apology
and all who hear her rest in that.

There are Old Sayings and New Ages

My heart speaks to me
In curves, pictures, zen.
It does not remember like the mind,
It simply lives.
Open, it touches all it sees;
Closed, it softly restores;
Always in perfect balance,
Though I may not always
Understand it's odd rhythms -
The times it skips a beat
Or runs away with itself.

There are no words
But those of my heart
And it is boundless,
Its armour lighter now
Than years gone by:
Heavy plate turned to
Nimble leather, a second skin
To clothe me when I need it.

When you feel as light as air
Something is needed to
Keep your feet on the ground:
My heart has an untethered nature
Conscious of its many layers,
So throws down anchors 
From time to time.
But it knows to cast off often,
For, unbound,
It can let go of what it loves,
Trust that leaps of faith
Bring untold riches
That all the positive wishing in the world
Can never hope
To manifest.

Listen

In the quiet mystery,
Softness beckons.
In that place beyond words,
Thought-less,
Where aliveness is not
Mind-measured,
You can hear it call
With something other than ears.

Listen.

Oh, dear heart
Listen without listening:

Sit in pre-sense
In the stem of sensual life;
Let it sweep you
Into open, waiting arms,
Its gentle voice telling you
Yes,
Beloved,
You are home.

Something Important

There was something important
I was supposed to be doing.
Something so vital
That to do anything else
Was impossible.
I sat all day
Trying to do other things
With a wandering mind
To what I could not remember.

I knew it then,
In the wild days of drugs and sex,
Drinking and dancing,
When I saved myself
For a whole year
From the needs of others - 
At least just enough
So I could also hear myself.

And I knew it then,
Before the depths of injustice
Became apparent.
When days were play and music,
Togetherness, pretence and imagination.
When the sense of
Not belonging began - 
The unrelated outsider
Arriving late,
Welcome but afraid.

And oh for years
I made a life of
Holding suffering for others,
Always seeking deeper meaning
To understand the cause
In God, childhood,
Him, Her, Them.....

Until I gave it back.
Till this voice had a chance 
To speak its own calamities,
Distress and celebrations.
Till I was heard and held with love
And no expectation.

And then I remembered
There was something important
I was supposed to be doing.
The thing that was always there
In my heart
Spirit-strong
Soul-shaped
Body-enlivening
Mind-expanding.

So now I do that
Whenever I can,
Whenever the fear and distraction
Is not in the way.
I still forget
But I'm getting better
At remembering
Myself.

The Pulse

I pressed and pressed
Could not digest
The story with no name:
That one will keep
You from your sleep;
My finger was the pulse.
 
Until in time
With reason and rhyme
Some understanding came;
I danced and danced
I took no chance:
My finger was the pulse.
 
And then I knew
Unless I threw
That story right away,
My life would feel wrong,

I'd lack my own song:
My finger was the pulse.

So I decided

I'll not be divided
The song of my heart I will play:
Oh how the sun beams
When your soul lives its dreams!
My finger is the pulse.

What it Means to You

Don't tell me what you don't want.
Tell me what fires your spirit into action.
Tell me what you dream of in those fleeting moments 
Before you're interrupted by mundanity.
I want to hear what you love;
What breaks your heart open;
What makes your being sing!

I want to hear about your sorrows,
The things that truly terrify you,
The things which make you enraged,
The deepest grief, despair and disappointments
Your heart has ever had to bear -
I want to know them all
Because I want to know you.

The you who is filled with all the world offers,
Emptied of all hope, all faith - 
Utterly human whether or not you want to be.
Tell me what you want to fight for,
What you want to love with your whole self,
For I want to know, to you,
What it means to be alive.

The In-Tuition of Soft and Slow

My jaw is locked:

Teeth clenched,

Grinding their warning

To stay shut up.

Tongue pushing,

Attempting freedom

It moves the odd tooth:

I make it push them back.

My jaw is locked:

A presse of soft flesh

Once existed,

Now lemon lips are squeezed of juice,

Thin and sucked inward,

Hiding deep layers

Of feeling….. voice…..

Opinion.

My jaw is locked:

Held closed with memories

Of hurt and humiliation -

Hinges of resentment

Keep it snapped shut;

Fear is the glue that binds;

Shame sits in my chin

Like a Victorian child.

I know my jaw is locked:

It kept me safe once

Or a thousand times

In distant lands.

Now this witness

Protection hinders

The creative truth of

Who I am.

I know my jaw is locked:

I open it wide,

Feel the creaks of disuse,

Unoiled crunches

Snapping in my ears,

The flicking of

An uncertain tongue

Which does not know.

I know when my jaw is locked

I am somewhere

Other than here,

Mind leaping over reality

With quick nervous jumps

To find greener grass

And knock the troll

From his bridge.

When my jaw is soft

Whole worlds open up,

Full of tender fervour,

Gentle passion,

Slow dances of love.

As I part innocent lips,

The heart of my longing

Emerges.

Heart's Desire

I was lost, unaware, in betrayal.

Constantly running,

My heart's desire dragging behind -

The guilt so heavy in each breath

I dared not look back

To see its bones bounce with each step.

Instead I carried a polluted womb

Too toxic for life to grow,

That gave birth to dead babies

For years and years.

I could never carry one

Full term

But screamed for death

Half way through.

In she would come,

Faithful Kali

With her icy hands

To destroy the dream

Before it could begin.

Now I've asked her forgiveness

And she held me with such love,

Such tenderness and wisdom

That I saw my wounds

For what they were.