Something Important

There was something important
I was supposed to be doing.
Something so vital
That to do anything else
Was impossible.
I sat all day
Trying to do other things
With a wandering mind
To what I could not remember.

I knew it then,
In the wild days of drugs and sex,
Drinking and dancing,
When I saved myself
For a whole year
From the needs of others - 
At least just enough
So I could also hear myself.

And I knew it then,
Before the depths of injustice
Became apparent.
When days were play and music,
Togetherness, pretence and imagination.
When the sense of
Not belonging began - 
The unrelated outsider
Arriving late,
Welcome but afraid.

And oh for years
I made a life of
Holding suffering for others,
Always seeking deeper meaning
To understand the cause
In God, childhood,
Him, Her, Them.....

Until I gave it back.
Till this voice had a chance 
To speak its own calamities,
Distress and celebrations.
Till I was heard and held with love
And no expectation.

And then I remembered
There was something important
I was supposed to be doing.
The thing that was always there
In my heart
Spirit-strong
Soul-shaped
Body-enlivening
Mind-expanding.

So now I do that
Whenever I can,
Whenever the fear and distraction
Is not in the way.
I still forget
But I'm getting better
At remembering
Myself.